As part of JONJ's continued dedication to our long history and the Jewish community, we will occasionally republish profiles from our historical archives. Today — using our patented TimeScapeTM Technology — we present Jon Gosselin, retrieved from the JewOrNotJew Mindnet in 2154 and written by Citizen Klelmstein.
Of course, everyone knows that the greatest leader in human history, global savior and galactic peacemaker Jon Gosselin, was Jewish. But very few knew how this came to be.
For you see, President Gosselin wasn't born Jewish, but instead was of mixed descent, including South Korean, Irish and French. However, after His Majesty, Jon Gosselin's public divorce from his wife, Kate, his Lordship found a new love: the future Saint Hailey Glassman, a Jewish woman.
The future Philosopher King then discovered that many people in his life were Jewish, including (a rarity for that epoch) his Jewish lawyer. He took it as a divine signal to make a change.
From the revered historical archives:
"Hailey is Jewish. Everyone in my life is Jewish now, my attorney. I love it. I'm now half Jewish and half Korean... I love challah bread. I'm learning about Jewish food, going to Zabar's. I love that place. I'm learning about kosher and when not to order a bacon, egg and cheese and make an ass of myself."
Truly, these are the words of a future titan in the history of humanity.
When he spoke them, no one knew that they were just a few short years away from the Unification, the infinite harvest and the greatest golden age that humanity would ever know. To them, Jon Gosselin the Great was just another untalented, wanna-be-celebrity moron.
It's hard to imagine, isn't it?