We used to love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Every day, we'd rush home from school to catch the adventures of Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael, and Donatello. Donatello was our favorite.
Leonardo might have been the strongest, Michelangelo the (supposedly) funniest, and Raphael the wittiest. But Donatello was the smartest. And he still kicked tuchus. And we, like the nerdy Jewish kids that we were, dug that. Actually, we still do.
But we were not the only ones that liked Donatello. For those unfamiliar with the show (which means you're either over the age of 35 or female), the Turtles' link to the outside world was April O'Neill, a reporter at a local news station. And April's best friend was the station's receptionist, Irma Langinstein.
Here's where it gets weird. Yes, much weirder than a story about four giant turtles hanging out with a giant rat, living in the sewers, eating pizza, and fighting crime. MUCH MUCH weirder.
Irma had the hots for Donatello.
Now, we get it, sort of. Here was this nerdy, ugly-ish Jewish girl, with her oversize glasses and her overbite. And here is her best friend, a glamorous field reporter, who can seemingly get any man she wants. (And she did, that April. You can bet on that.) And here is Donatello, a super-smart, butt-kicking ninja.
But he is a FREAKING TURTLE!!!!!
Seriously, Irma, what the hell is wrong with you? What kind of freak do you have to be to desire mutant reptilian sex? We get it, you are desperate. But dating outside your species is NEVER the answer. You could do better.
Honestly, so could Donatello.