Young Jewish women of America!
Next time you meet a stuffy white guy, be it at a fraternity party, or a crew meet, or a polo match, don't turn your back to them. Sure, they might be bland, and boring, and reek of scotch, and not be able to string two words together. But think of the great opportunity you might be missing.
You, young Jewish women of America, might just become the first Jewish First Lady of the United States.
No, the US has never had one. And oh, have we researched this. We spent days upon days reading up on the likes of Jane Pierce, Ida McKinley, and Betty Ford, and couldn't find a drop of Jew. Sadly, we now know more about First Ladies than we ever wanted. And let us tell you... Florence Harding? Talk about a floozy. No, really, look it up.
The closest to a Jewish First Lady the US ever came? Kitty Dukakis, the wife of 1988 Democratic nominee Michael Dukakis. He, as he liked to tell, was a son of Greek immigrants. She was born Kitty Dickson, Jewish, and stayed so through her marriage to the failed candidate.
Kitty tried, young Jewish women of America, did she ever, she just hitched her wagon to the wrong horse. First hint: Dukakis was Greek Orthodox, not Protestant. Seriously, Kitty, you should have known better.
So the ball is in your court, young Jewish women of America. We know that our suggestion might seem repulsive at first, but try to give it a whirl. You might thank us one day.
After all, there's a much better chance of getting a Jewish First Lady than a Jewish female President. And that's putting it lightly.