Is Ben Roethlisberger Jewish? Of course not. But that didn't stop people from attempting to claim him as a Jew after he led the Steelers to the Super Bowl win.

Theoretically, "Roethlisberger" could sound Jewish. But only theoretically; in reality, it's Swiss. By the same token, one can claim anyone with a hard-to-pronounce long last name to be a Jew. Like Norman Schwarzkopf or Arnold Schwarzenegger. Clearly, obviously, not Jews. Just like Roethlisberger.

Of course, when Ben was riding a high, we let those Jew rumors slide. But when he turned into an idiot and almost died after riding a motorcycle without a helmet, his kvell took a major hit. Super Bowl winning quarterback? We'd take him, if that was an option. Idiot biker? No thanks, we'll pass.

And now, with rape accusations surfacing time and again? We'll stay as far away as possible. Both figuratively and literally.

Verdict: Not a Jew.

November 28, 2006