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    Artie Ziff

    Jew Score:
    12

    I5

    O5

    K2

    What would have happened if Marge married Artie Ziff instead of Homer Simpson?

    (For those who don't remember, Artie was Marge's high-school boyfriend, a sleazy Jewish (yes, sadly Jewish) nerd who took her to the prom before she dumped him for Homer.)

    What religion would their kids be? Artie would obviously want to raise them Jewish, but it's not likely Marge would give up whatever mysterious Christian denomination she belongs too... Would they try some kind of a compromise, perhaps alternating between Reverend Lovejoy's church and Rabbi Krustofski's temple?

    And speaking of the kids, Would Bart (not too many Jews named Bart... Baruch?) still be a chronic underachiever? Perhaps he would be the captain of his school's chess team?

    Would Lisa (Leah?) still be... on second thought, Lisa could already pass for Jewish.

    And what of Homer? Would he have settled for someone like Edna Krabappel? Or, perhaps, would he have his chance with Mindy Simmons? (But then, Homer met Mindy at the Power Plant, and he only started working there when he found that Marge was pregnant with Bart and he needed a better-paying job, so maybe the two never meet, and Homer spends his life working on a miniature golf course, pining for the one that got away...)

    So many questions...

    Verdict: Sadly, a Jew.

    October 20, 2009

    See Also

    Julie Kavner

    Jon Lovitz

    Lewis Skolnick

    Dolph Starbeam

    Milhouse Van Houten
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