Oy Gevalt! The meshuggenah shiksa singing in front of the burning cross, writing books about her k'nish and naming her baby Lourdes is a Jew?!

Wellllllll, sort of. After all, her real last name, Ciccone, doesn't exactly suggest a carefully concealed childhood Bat Mitzvah.

But Madonna is a Kabbalist — a sect of Judaism (read: cult) that studies the Kabbalah, the book of Jewish mysticism that tells you how to create life, make a golem, and bake a really good noodle kugel (hopefully without the apples, blech!)

Well, it doesn't take magical rabbinical powers to sense a little snarkiness on our end. Suffice it to say, the phrase "Jewish Dianetics" comes to mind. Though, to be fair Madonna seems quite serious about it (but then again, so is that putz Travolta about his own made-up Hollywood religion), sees rabbis, visits Israel and even writes songs about her newfound faith. Does that make her a Jew? That's probably for her to determine and, tellingly, she seems to carefully avoid describing herself that way. Kind of like saying you sleep with men, but you're not gay cause you're worried about the stigma that comes with the classification.

Whoops! More snark. Gotta work on that. We'll just have to let the ratings speak for themselves at this point, lest we lose our precious objectivity.