Y'know, there's nothing better than a sex scandal. Unless it's a JEWISH sex scandal.
For those of you living under a rock (aka, not living in NYC) Alex Rodriguez — the man, the myth, the clutch strikeout — was recently caught leaving Madonna's home in the wee hours of the morning.
Ordinarily this is nothing that would get us excited. After all, Latin players leaving Madonna's house at odd hours is an ancient baseball tradition (Jose Canseco: Not a Jew). But Alex wasn't over there for sex! Never! No, he was there for a serious religious discussion: they're both Kabbalists!
Ah, A-Rod and Madonna, sitting over an open Torah, sipping Manischewitz as they discuss the finer points of Jewish law. Can't you just see it? "But Madonna," Alex would say, "if I cannot work on the Sabbath, can I not light my oven to cook a nice meal for my family?"
"Ah," Madonna would reply, "but according to the Talmud you can light the oven the day before and that would be permissible in Hashem's eyes." Then they would laugh merrily and crack open another jar of gefilte fish. Or, y'know, not.
In related news, Alex's wife was recently spotted with Lenny Kravitz. Now that's a policy we can endorse: can't keep your husband from shtupping a wannabe Jew? Go out and get yourself a real one!