Today, dear reader, we're gonna tell a story. Not one we made up ourselves; rather, this a tale by the famed Brothers Grimm. It's called "The Jew Among Thorns" (also known as "The Jew in the Brambles"). Pull up a comfortable seat, this one is gonna be a doozy!
There was a rich man, who had a loyal servant. The servant was hardworking and always happy. When a year passed, the rich man thought, why pay the servant?
We know what you're thinking: the rich man is the Jew in the title. Don't get ahead of yourselves.
So the rich man doesn't pay the servant, and doesn't pay him the second year either. When the third year ends, the servant asks the rich man for payment so he can go see the world. The rich man gives him three hellers.
A heller was valued at half a pfenning, so this is basically of very little value.
The servant thinks that this is a lot of money, so he goes on his way. In his travels, he meets a little man.
That's not the Jew either.
The little man asks why the servant is happy, and the servant says that he has a lot of money, a whole three hellers! The little man says that he is poor and weak; the servant is young and strong; could he spare some change? The servant gives him the entire three hellers. The little man says, for your kind heart, I will grant you three wishes. Fine, the servant says. I want a rifle that will never miss, a fiddle that will make everyone dance, and, if I ever ask anyone for anything, I want that request granted.
If you ask us, that third wish is a giant cheat, kinda like wishing for infinite wishes, which is usually prevented in other fairy tales.
The little man gives the servant the rifle and the fiddle, and tells him that all his requests will be granted. Hooray, says the servant. He leaves the little man and then meets a Jew with a goat's beard.
We are NOT making this up. A Jew with a goat's beard. Trust us, it gets worse.
The Jew is listening to a bird's song. He is enchanted. He wants the bird for himself. No problem, says the servant. He shoots the bird and it falls in the thorns. Come on, you swindler, says the servant. Go get your bird.
The insults continue. Note that so far the Jew has done NOTHING to the idiot servant. He was just enjoying a beautiful song.
So the Jew goes into the thorns to pick up the bird. The servant starts playing the fiddle, and the Jew starts dancing! And the thorns start prickling him! Stop!, yells the Jew. It hurts! I don't want to dance! The servant says, you've been fooling people for so long, let the thorns prick you.
What a piece of shit this servant is.
Oy vey, says the Jew. Stop, and I'll give you a sack of gold!
He actually says "oy vey". We're not making this up. Also, of course a Jew would have a sack of gold on him. That's what we Jews do, we walk around in the woods carrying gold in sacks. Jesus fucking Christ.
If you're so generous, fine, says the servant. He stops playing, the Jew gives him a sack of gold, and goes on his way.
It's not over. It gets much, much worse.
So the Jew is understandably pissed off and goes to the judge. Judge, he says, oy vey, I was robbed! Look at my tattered clothes and my bloody body! My sack of gold was also stolen! Put the thief in jail! The judge asks, can you tell who did this to you? The Jew says, he has a rifle and a fiddle. The judge sends his men, they find the servant, and bring him to court. I didn't touch the Jew, says the servant. He gave me his money voluntarily. He lies!, screams the Jew. The judge doesn't believe the servant and sentences him to hang.
Here we must question the medieval German justice system. Clearly, a case of he said / he said. We guess the servant was in possession of the Jew's sack. Still, very iffy here.
The servant calmly climbs on the gallows, and asks for a final wish: to play his fiddle. No way!, screams the Jew. Why not?, says the judge. Oy vey, oy vey!, screams the Jew. Tie me down! Tie me down! Oy vey!
Jesus fucking Christ.
No one ties the Jew down, the servant starts playing, everyone starts dancing: the judge, the Jew, the executioner. Soon the whole town starts dancing, even the dogs. The more they dance, the crazier it gets, people start bumping heads and hurting each other. Finally, the judge screams, I'll pardon you, just stop playing!
We're almost there.
The servant puts down his fiddle, steps down from the gallows, and comes to the Jew. Bastard!, he says. Now tell the truth, where you got the money from, or I'll play the fiddle again. I stole the money!, cries the Jew.
The judge sentences the Jew to hang.
The end. Motherfucking shit.