So, it turns out that Louisa May Alcott — creator of the Little Women books and recently named to the Modern Library's list of 50 most goyishe authors — is rumored to have Jewish ancestry.

The rumor looks to be hogwash, but it led us to wonder: if Alcott actually had Jewish roots, how would Little Women (Alcott's most celebrated work that inspired multiple sequels and also Elton John's hit song "Tiny Dancer") have been different?

Jo, for example, the hot-tempered tomboy. Does she start fights in Hebrew School? Is she still originally from the Bronx?

And what about the bombshell, brain donor Blair? Would she have been a raven-haired math whiz? Of course, Natalie was already Jewish, but then what about Tootie? How does Alcott explain a young, black Jewish girl? And then how does all this affect Mrs. Garret?

Waitaminute... crap. We got confused with the Facts of Life again.

Nevermind.