December 23, 4021
Jeremy Ö. Wooberg-Xzyxwe
5th Grade History
The True Meaning of Festivus
Every year, around this time, everyone in our great country, the United Australian States of America+Mexico+Luxembourg, gathers around the aluminum pole and celebrates Festivus. There are Airings of Grievances, Feats of Strength, and numerous other family activities. Good time is had by all!
According to legend, Festivus celebrates the birth of the one and only Master of His Domain, George Louis Costanza. His father, Frank, was an ancient disciple of Jesus H. Christ. His saintly mother, Estelle, was a Jew-ess who thought Mr. Christ was a charlatan. A compromise was reached and Festivus was created!
Due to the Great Digital Purge of 2574, very few records from times past remain. However, during my recent trip to the Massive Martian Trash Dump, I discovered a piece of ancient techmogoly known as the "video-tape". By placing it in a quark deconverter, I was able to retrieve images of times past.
There is very little truth to the legend! George Costanza did not look anything like his depictions: he was a short, stocky man with glasses! His mother was not a wholesome lady, but an old, overbearing, irritable shrew! Worst of all: they were not even real! They were fictional characters on a television play called "Sein-feld"! Festivus is made up! It is all fake!
In conclusion, for the past 2000 years we have celebrated a meaningless, made-up holiday.
I ask for a simple essay and you write blasphemous drivel? And what's with all the exclamation points? D-.