"I'm more Jewish than you think I am." — Rick Perry

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Mr. Perry. We didn't think you're Jewish at all. Hasn't your ancestry been thoroughly traced and was found to be as goyishe as mayo on white?

Eureka! We found it! Rick's great-great-great-grandfather was a German Jew! He moved to America, where he opened a haberdashery. Unfortunately, he chose Georgia as his place of residence. And let us tell you, Georgia in the late 1700s was not as friendly to Jews as it is today...

So Rick's ancestor had to hide his Jewishness. He joined a church, sang the praises of Jesus, closed his store and started raising pigs... All while practicing Judaism in secret, reading the Torah late at night. Generations passed, but this love of Judaism spread to all his descendants, including, yes, the Governor of Texas, Rick Perry!

Alright, no. We just made all of that up. But at least we owned up to the lie... are you listening, Mr. Perry?