Dear New Zealand,

We need to have a serious talk. Please take a seat, Prime Minister Key. Lay down your sword, Lucy Lawless. Drop the guitar, Keith Urban. This might take a while.

We understand, New Zealand, that Lord of the Rings is a big deal to you. And who can blame you? The original series was a critical, financial, and popular success. Filmed in New Zealand, helmed by a New Zealand director... Those tourist dollars have been flowing, and now, with The Hobbit, are not stopping.

But here's the thing, New Zealand: dial it back a notch. Putting hobbits on your airplanes is one thing, but on your money? Isn't that just a tad overboard?

Dear New Zealand, you have so much to give to the world! Sheep, All-Blacks rugby, Russell Crowe, kiwis, Sir Edmund Hillary, sheep, and yes, Lucy Lawless! None of them fictional, all native to your wonderful land. You do realize that Tolkien wasn't exactly a New Zealander, do you?

Oh, and Prime Minister Key... While we have you, could you please explain why you, an agnostic son of a Jewish mother, regularly attend church?