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    Drew Barrymore

    Jew Score:
    6

    I1

    O2

    K3
    February 22, 1975 —

    Yes, dear readers, we've heard the rumors that Drew Barrymore is converting to Judaism for her husband. Never ones to trust the tabloids, we sent an undercover operative to the wedding. These are his notes.

    8AM... Gates closed. 9AM... Gates closed. 9:36... Car exits. 10:09... Car enters. 10:44... Car enters. 10:51... I'm in! 10:52... Hiding in bushes. 11AM... Hiding in bushes. 11:26... First guests arriving. 11:40... Guests arriving. 12PM... Hiding in bushes. 12:03... Guests arriving. 12:24... Is that Jimmy Fallon? 12:30... Time to make a move. 12:31... Camouflage off, tux on. 12:35... Attempting to blend in... 12:41... Yes, I'm the groom's second cousin, thrice removed. 12:52... Close call. Groom's aunt didn't recognize me. Changed subject to latke recipes. 1PM... No sign of Drew. 1:06... The food is out. Am I glad Drew is no longer vegan. 1:14... Another close call. No, I'm not the kid from E.T., but yes, we look alike. 1:21... The mini-sandwiches are delicious. 1:26... Seriously, I think that's Jimmy Fallon. 1:35... Can't get enough of the mini-sandwiches. 1:42... Jimmy Fallon(?) made a joke. Nobody laughs. 1:55... Finally! We can proceed to the reception area. 1:56... Grabbing that last mini-sandwich. 1:59... Is that a chuppah? 2PM... Yes, that's a chuppah! 2:01... Yes, that's a rabbi! Beard length: average. 2:10... Drew is fashionably late. 2:12... Should have grabbed some more of those mini-sandwiches. 2:23... Here comes the bride! 2:25... Here comes the bride. 2:40... How long are these vows? 2:53... Seriously, I don't have all day. 3PM... JONJ, you're paying me by the hour, you realize that? 3:09... What I wouldn't give for a mini-sandwich! 3:14... Whew. They are done talking. 3:15... Glass breaking. Mazel Tov! 3:20... Coming back to reception area. 3:22... Yes, third cousin, twice removed. 3:25... Hi Drew, so nice to finally meet you. Are you converting? 3:26... I'm telling you, third cousin, thrice removed. Mother's side. Mother's side! 3:29... JONJ, you better be bailing me out tonight!

    Verdict: Not a Jew.

    October 5, 2012

    See Also

    Elizabeth Banks

    Cameron Diaz

    Amy Fisher

    Anne Hathaway

    Jaclyn Smith
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