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    Things have gotten bad in your neighborhood. Not for everyone. But for Jews? It's not looking pretty.

    Seems a nasty rumor is going around that you and your Hebrew peeps have a secret ingredient for making matzohs: the blood of virginal Christian boys. How did your neighbors get thismeshuggenah idea? Who knows? Maybe some antisemite tweeted it and it caught on. Or they read it on the Internet (full of vicious lies, that Internet). Heck, maybe they saw it on the Food Network (add two pounds of butter, a smidge of virginal goyishe boy blood, and stir...). Hashem knows.

    Regardless, they believe it, and they are pissed. Now they're smashing windows, lighting fires, making inappropriate remarks at the supermarket, the whole shebang. What do you do?

    You could work the public relations angle, after all, this whole blood libel thing is just that: libel. You could complain to the local authorities. You could hide in the basement and wait it out til, we dunno, something more exciting happens like a Muslim moving into town. You could even just call it quits and move someplace a little more pro-Judaica.

    Or — and bear with us here — you could make a man out of clay (like a dreidel, you know, only a person), draw some special symbols on him, bring him to life, and then send your newly made machination out to terrorize the townspeople until they leave you the fuck alone.

    It may seem a little... overkill, but when people be messing with your matzohs, then it's time to bring in the big guns, no?

    Verdict: Jew.

    February 22, 2012

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