There was nothing on TV the other day, so we went scrolling through the guide. After a myriad of home remodeling shows, telenovellas, and harebrained news reports, we saw it: "Home Alone 4".
Now, "Home Alone" is pretty damn funny. "Home Alone 2" is not completely terrible. We're aware that "Home Alone 3" exists, and is responsible for killing the entire franchise. But 4? There is a 4?
Oh, yes, there is a 4. We watched "Home Alone 4". Alright, we didn't watch the whole thing, but just enough. Two minutes would be more than enough...
"Home Alone 4" is a reboot. Macaulay Culkin is replaced by a Jewish kid named Mike Weinberg. Well, the actor is Jewish, but the family is obviously goyishe; it's a Christmas movie, after all. And — get this — the family is getting divorced! Except it's not Catherine O'Hara playing the mom, but rather some red-haired stand-in. They are all stand-ins.
By then, we switched to another channel, but could only take so much home remodeling, so we switched back. Apparently, the bandits were back, but Daniel Stern was now French Stewart, while Joe Pesci was now a busty blonde. We're not sure how that worked itself out. The kid had some kind of a high-tech surveillance equipment, the bandits got caught in his traps, there was an inane subplot about the evil new stepmother and the royal family...
Yeah, we stopped watching, for good this time. But guess what?
There exists "Home Alone 5".