We're often asked, how exactly do we do our research? How do we figure out who is Jewish and who is not?
Well, it's finally time to reveal the truth. We use an army of highly-trained, super-intelligent monkeys.
The monkey army is split into three divisions. The first one constantly searches the Internet, and, using highly unstable time-traveling technology, even finds a way to dig up links erased years ago. The second one reads every biography ever published, looking for mentions of Jews. The third scours through genealogical records, hoping to reveal long-lost Jewish ancestors. (If you are a monkey, you want to be in the latter, exclusive division, for there's a lot of traveling to exotic locales.)
The monkey army is usually on top of things and can deliver a verdict in mere minutes. This time... it took years.
There were rumors that Audrey Hepburn, who was a Christian Scientist, had Jewish ancestry on her mother's side. Alas, no matter how hard they tried, our monkeys could not find anything to prove the rumor. One poor monkey spent three months in the Belgian town of Ixelles, where Audrey was born, digging through records... He came home with his head hanging low, his only accomplishment the wipeout of the town's banana supplies. We got the bill soon after.
Turns out the rumor was off. Audrey's Jewish ancestry actually came from her father's side, with her grandmother coming from a Czech Jewish family. So years after the initial failure, we finally confirmed that Audrey is part Jewish.
Maybe it's time to hire some new monkeys...